Erik Lensherr | ( Magneto ) (
wecanavenge) wrote2012-11-19 03:58 pm
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Entry tags:
- [comm] lastvoyages,
- a time bomb ticking away,
- actual table flipping,
- anger and pain are the keys,
- careful he might accidentally break shit,
- fuck this shit i'll kill those fucks,
- fuck you edith piaf this is your fault,
- fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you,
- fuck you shaw,
- i hate feelings,
- no one was meant to see this,
- pretty much going insane,
- shaw's fault too definitely his fault
✘ | 015 | VIDEO
[When the camera clicks on, there's just the Cloverfield/Blair Witch Project effect: everything is shaky and slow to focus. The feed shows one of the suites, and the movement blurs things over - is that confetti on the floor, or just dust? Is the drapery meant to be that red, or was something splattered there? But there isn't long to dwell on those mysteries, because the camera finally focuses on Erik. His eyes are wide, and a little wild; at first the camera is too close as he shifts his grip on the device, and that's all there is to see: very wide, very angry eyes.]
Shh, [he says sharply, pulling the communicator back again. The door into the hall is behind him, and wide open.] Can you hear it?
[Maybe you'll hear nothing. It's faint, certainly, and Erik scowls, glancing around.] Shh, shh!
[And then, just maybe, you'll hear a song drifting up. It's old, decades old, but he recognizes it. His eyes leave the device, and he stares at something off screen for a moment. Then he lets go of the communicator, and for a moment, the camera is in free fall - but it lifts again, steadier this time, without Erik's hand holding it. It hovers in front of him again. Behind him, the door is closed.
Some of the anger clears from his face, and as the song gets louder - for him, at least, he joins in the verse.]
[For a moment, everything is still and (mostly) quiet. Then the anger floods back, and Erik waves his hand; the communicator is thrown across the room, where it falls, propped up against the wall. It has a good view of the suite, and of the damage Erik is doing to it. Mirrors shatter as their metal frames twist in on themselves, drawers with metal runners launch themselves out of dressers and desks, the room seems to destroy itself. And Erik steps into the frame amid the wreckage, pointing at - well. At what might be nothing, or what might be a man in a silver helmet.]
You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch, you turn it off!
[He sweeps his arms wildly, and cracks appear along the ceiling; dust filters down on the communicator, and then there is nothing as beams fall on it.]
[Spam for Charles]
[He has to get out of here. Charles was right, he was so right, everything is wrong here. Because Shaw is here. Schmidt. Erik has seen him - how many times, now? Once in the helmet, twice in the glasses and suit he was so fond of in Germany. He left his communicator in the suite when he barreled out of there, abandoning everything. He doesn't even stop to find a jacket, or gloves - glad only in his turtleneck, Erik rushes down the main stairs, swings his arm to throw the front door open ahead of him, and rushes out into the snow. He's soaked halfway up his calves in seconds, and it's frigid, but he doesn't stop.
Du und ich werden viel Spaß zusammen haben. He spins to the side, but can't see Schmidt, can't even hear him anymore. Over his harsh breathing, and the shivering in his limbs, there is only the quiet of snow falling.]
[Spam for Tosh]
[He was still shivering, even after sitting in front of the fire in the lobby for a long few minutes. His clothes were still damp, and so was the blanket he'd found laying about and wrapped around his shoulders, but it didn't matter. He was already warmer, and he didn't much feel like venturing back up toward the rooms to find dry clothes. He didn't feel like venturing back there at all, certainly not to retrieve his communicator.
Charles had left him to warm up, though not to be alone with his thoughts; Erik knew that Charles was handling this place poorly, that it was wreaking havoc on his mind, but - and he couldn't help the sardonic little smile - he wasn't alone in that. Charles had gone off to actually eat or sleep, two things he hadn't done much of since getting here, and that was fine with Erik.
Being alone was nothing new for him.
And so far, everything had been normal. Schmidt wasn't whispering in his ear anymore, wasn't telling him that the pain would stop once he learned to control his gift. But that had been a lit, because the pain had never stopped. Erik shook his head to clear his thoughts, and stood, grabbing for the poker to stoke the fire higher.]
(OOC: Lyrics translation: 'He speaks to me words of love/Words of every day/And it makes me something/He has entered my heart/A place of happiness/Of which I understand the reason.' For maximum dear God why-ness. The German is 'You and I are going to have a lot of fun together.')
Shh, [he says sharply, pulling the communicator back again. The door into the hall is behind him, and wide open.] Can you hear it?
[Maybe you'll hear nothing. It's faint, certainly, and Erik scowls, glancing around.] Shh, shh!
[And then, just maybe, you'll hear a song drifting up. It's old, decades old, but he recognizes it. His eyes leave the device, and he stares at something off screen for a moment. Then he lets go of the communicator, and for a moment, the camera is in free fall - but it lifts again, steadier this time, without Erik's hand holding it. It hovers in front of him again. Behind him, the door is closed.
Some of the anger clears from his face, and as the song gets louder - for him, at least, he joins in the verse.]
Il me dit des mots d’amour
Des mots de tous les jours
Et ça me fait quelque chose
Il est entré dans mon coeur
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.
[For a moment, everything is still and (mostly) quiet. Then the anger floods back, and Erik waves his hand; the communicator is thrown across the room, where it falls, propped up against the wall. It has a good view of the suite, and of the damage Erik is doing to it. Mirrors shatter as their metal frames twist in on themselves, drawers with metal runners launch themselves out of dressers and desks, the room seems to destroy itself. And Erik steps into the frame amid the wreckage, pointing at - well. At what might be nothing, or what might be a man in a silver helmet.]
You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch, you turn it off!
[He sweeps his arms wildly, and cracks appear along the ceiling; dust filters down on the communicator, and then there is nothing as beams fall on it.]
[Spam for Charles]
[He has to get out of here. Charles was right, he was so right, everything is wrong here. Because Shaw is here. Schmidt. Erik has seen him - how many times, now? Once in the helmet, twice in the glasses and suit he was so fond of in Germany. He left his communicator in the suite when he barreled out of there, abandoning everything. He doesn't even stop to find a jacket, or gloves - glad only in his turtleneck, Erik rushes down the main stairs, swings his arm to throw the front door open ahead of him, and rushes out into the snow. He's soaked halfway up his calves in seconds, and it's frigid, but he doesn't stop.
Du und ich werden viel Spaß zusammen haben. He spins to the side, but can't see Schmidt, can't even hear him anymore. Over his harsh breathing, and the shivering in his limbs, there is only the quiet of snow falling.]
[Spam for Tosh]
[He was still shivering, even after sitting in front of the fire in the lobby for a long few minutes. His clothes were still damp, and so was the blanket he'd found laying about and wrapped around his shoulders, but it didn't matter. He was already warmer, and he didn't much feel like venturing back up toward the rooms to find dry clothes. He didn't feel like venturing back there at all, certainly not to retrieve his communicator.
Charles had left him to warm up, though not to be alone with his thoughts; Erik knew that Charles was handling this place poorly, that it was wreaking havoc on his mind, but - and he couldn't help the sardonic little smile - he wasn't alone in that. Charles had gone off to actually eat or sleep, two things he hadn't done much of since getting here, and that was fine with Erik.
Being alone was nothing new for him.
And so far, everything had been normal. Schmidt wasn't whispering in his ear anymore, wasn't telling him that the pain would stop once he learned to control his gift. But that had been a lit, because the pain had never stopped. Erik shook his head to clear his thoughts, and stood, grabbing for the poker to stoke the fire higher.]
(OOC: Lyrics translation: 'He speaks to me words of love/Words of every day/And it makes me something/He has entered my heart/A place of happiness/Of which I understand the reason.' For maximum dear God why-ness. The German is 'You and I are going to have a lot of fun together.')
[Spam]
So he tore down the hall, down the stairs, distantly almost impressed that he hadn't tripped over his own feet and ran out the door after his friend.]
Erik, stop! [He almost hesitates by the door, just like he'd done at the CIA facility when Erik had almost left, but this is more desperate, because the idiot wasn't wearing a jacket and there's no where to run to, he knew, he'd been outside before the snow had started falling even harder, and he was already shivering as he waded through the snow after Erik, despite the fact that he was wearing a sweater and shirt under his jacket.]
Where are you going?
[Spam]
You were right, everything is wrong--
[He trips on something and falls, arms stretching out. He's elbow deep in the snow, and he wants to scream, but he clenches his teeth tight instead.]
[Spam]
He crouches next to him in the snow, carefully putting a hand on his back, not bothering to filter out the desperation and concern in his voice.]
Erik, please come back inside. You'll freeze out here.
[Spam]
He won't die.
[Spam]
He's gone, Erik, Shaw's not here. He's dead. It's over. [We killed him was the desperate, painful thought, because Charles was just as accountable, wasn't he? He was a murderer, too.
His hands were cold. He hadn't had time to grab gloves before following Erik out here, and he swallowed thickly, trying to fight past the tightness in his throat.]
I don't know what's happening, but please come back inside.
[Spam]
[But that's crazy. Shaw died; Erik felt every second, ever millimeter of it as he pushed the coin through his creator's brain. Not even Herr Doktor could survive that. Not even him. They all had their limits, and Erik had shoved Shaw past his own.
He's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead
But he was just in the room--
Erik shakes his head violently, and grabs a fistful of snow to press against his face. It's icy, and the cold is sharp and painful at first, but it numbs quickly, soothes.]
You didn't see him?
[Spam]
No. I think- [But he didn't think, he knew, didn't he?] Something very bad happened here, Erik, and whatever it was hasn't really left. It's making us see things that we're [He almost chokes on the word, because really, this was something he was afraid of, and he carefully puts a hand on his friend's shoulder again to make sure he's really there.] frightened of. They're not really there.
[He hesitates for a moment before moving to unzip his jacket, pulling it off with numb fingers and throwing it over Erik's shoulders.] Come on, I'm afraid, too. But we're going to get through this, and that can't happen if you freeze to death out here first. [It's somewhere between insistent and pleading, and the snow's already starting to cling to his navy sweater, half melted in his hair.]
[Spam]
Dropping his handful of snow and wiping his face off on his arm, Erik shakes his head, and finally starts to feel like it's clear.]
We should find the Barge.
[Spam]
And that's a good idea, really, because they'll be marginally safer there, but there's one problem.]
You can't feel it at all?
[Spam]
No. Not even a hint. [What if the Admiral had left them here? That was a truly horrifying thought. He set his jaw, and glanced at Charles.]
We have to go in. [Charles' teeth were chattering. Though Erik wasn't sure if he'd rather just freeze to death out here, even now. Everything was wrong with that hotel.]
[Spam]
I can't feel them either. [But they didn't leave them here. They'd come back, this would only carry on for a few more days. They'd been rescued when they'd been trapped with the Vanquish. They'd find a way out of this, too. He projected that thought at Erik, and kept the idea maybe we're still on the Barge to himself.
He shifted closer as the wind picked up, shivering, tugging the jacket tighter around his friend's shoulders before wrapping his arms around himself.] I'm frightened, too, but we'll get through this, Erik. Please don't do this. [He might be agreeing to come back inside for now because Charles was cold, but Charles didn't want him trying some other suicidal stunt later on, either. He was afraid of the hotel, but he was more afraid of Erik's suicidal streak making a sudden return, and some of that fear bled over, not entirely intentionally.] Can you stand?
[Spam]
I'm not sorry I killed him. [It's abrupt, apropos of nothing, but he doesn't think he'll ever be sorry for killing Shaw. He would have done it again in that room, if only he'd been able to.]
[Spam]
I know. [There's a part of him that feels like he should say more than that, because while he can't blame him for wanting revenge, or for killing someone who'd wanted to commit genocide, he can't really fully condone it, either. And again, there was the horrible, nagging memory of what it had felt like to have a coin shoved through your forehead, so he kept his mouth shut.
It was easier to just tighten his arm around his friend and focus on starting to wade back towards the hotel, even though he was still afraid. He'd still rather take his chances of getting out of this alive than freezing to death out in the snow.]
[Spam]
Abandon Hope, all ye who enter, he thought, and a small but savage smile twisted at his mouth. It was almost disappointing to find his faith in God lacking; but then, his religious education had stopped by the time he was nine. He was reasonably sure there wasn't even an afterlife to imagine Shaw struggling through.
But whatever came after, Erik hoped it was suffering. He'd tolerate his own, as long as Shaw felt it too.]
[Spam]
Still, he almost wanted to change his mind when they actually stood in front of the building. He was freezing, and he knew they wouldn't survive out here, but he really didn't want to go back inside.
He tried to grit his teeth and keep walking. At least it would be warm in there.]
[Spam]
[Spam]
You need a blanket, [He stuttered through chattering teeth, and looked around for one, wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to conserve heat.] I'll be right back.
[Spam]
[Spam]
He came back quickly with a blanket, and wrapped it around Erik before nudging him over towards one of the couches.]
Here. Sit down, you need to get warm.
[Spam]
[Spam]
He wanted to sit next to Erik and huddle together until whatever this was passed and they warmed up, but that was it, wasn't it? They needed dry clothes or more blankets or food or sleep, God, when was the last time he'd slept? He looked dazed, eyes glassy and face pale, his thoughts fuzzy and disconnected.]
We n-need- [He blinked, shivering violently and forcing himself to focus.] Dry clothes. I'll go get some.
[Spam]
Okay. I'll - wait here. [By the fire. Maybe he ought to move closer, but he couldn't move just yet.]
[Spam]
If you need me, call. I'll be right back.
[Spam]
I will. [If he shows up again, is what Erik doesn't add, but he doesn't think he needs to.] Go.
[Spam]
He squeezes Erik's shoulder one more time and heads for the stairs. He'll be right back. There's nothing to worry about.]
[Spam]
It's given her a lot of time to get reacquainted with old friends.
She's never shrugged off her guilt. The lives lost because of her - she carries them around with her, dull scars on her heart that still throb with pain whenever she holds still long enough. And the Barge - the Barge is good for nothing if not encouraging stillness. She finds distractions for herself but it's never enough, not really, and if the Barge is painful then the Overlook Hotel is torture.
She wakes on Monday morning to find Tommy Brockless in her bed and he asks if she slept as well the night after she sent him to the firing squad. When she stumbles out of the shower, Mary hands her a towel and tells her that all she'd wanted was to go home. Owen watches her eat in the kitchen and tells her that he'd known she loved him, he'd always known, but the day would never come that he wouldn't take his empty one-night stands over the love of someone as screwed up as her.
When she curls up in the corner of her room on Tuesday evening and presses the heels of her hands against her eyes, Harper chips in, asking softly if she remembers her other self, the woman she briefly became who couldn't feel guilt or pain or love. If she didn't miss that pleasant, predictable numbness and she does, God help her, she'd give anything for life to be so simply again.
He touches her pale cheeks and rubs her quaking shoulders and tells her she can make that happen, and she just nods.
She doesn't even really remember walking back downstairs. She's been longer than thirty-six hours without sleep before, and handled it better, but right now she feels floating and disconnected. The lobby's warm but she observes it rather than feels it.]
Erik.
[She knew he'd gone. More or less.]
Thank God you're alright. I was worried.
[Entirely true, for entirely the wrong reasons.]
[Spam]
Nothing to be alarmed by; she's no Schmidt.
He nods, and doesn't try to hide the shivering.]
I realized how futile it would be. [Well, Charles made him realize, and there's very little bitterness in his voice, but there is some. Erik has a penchant for stepping into danger and staying there, whether it will kill him or not. He shudders, and pulls the blanket closer around him.]
Putting too much trust in the Admiral never seemed wise to me. [Who knew if he'd be brought back from the snow? The worst part was realizing he hadn't cared, so long as it stopped.]
Re: [Spam]
She feels Harper's breath on her neck, the heat singing across her implant like a brush against an exposed nerve. You don't have to feel like this. You don't have to feel anything any more.]
You're shaking. Come upstairs, get some dry clothes on. Losing your toes after the fact would be pretty futile as well.
[Spam]
But - Shaw is dead. Erik rubs at his eyes, shaking his head as if to clear it. Shaw is dead, and La Vie en Rose is not playing, not even if he listens very carefully. That is in his head. It's this place in his head. He thinks he hears the band queuing up, and his eyes dart to Toshiko's face.]
Can you hear it?
[Spam]
[Liar.
And she doesn't turn around at Owen's voice because either she'll see him - sneering mouth oozing blood, hair burnt away, radiation sloughing off his skin - or she won't see him at all - and she doesn't know what's worse.
Always keeping it together, aren't we, Tosh? You're already as weak as a kitten to him. He doesn't need to see all the screws you've got loose, eh?]
Please. At least for long enough to change your clothes and have a hot drink. I'm worried about your core temperature.
[Spam]
I thought that's what the fire was for.
[He sits still for another long moment, then unfolds himself from the couch, moving slowly and keeping the blanket about his shoulders.]
Come with me. [He should hate himself for saying it, because it's as good as saying I'm scared, don't leave me alone. But he doesn't care, because he is scared, and he doesn't want to go back up there on his own.]
[Spam]
She offered him her deal, she reminds herself. She offered and he refused -
Yeah, like I was going to trust you to save my life when you did it so bloody well the first time.
She doesn't flinch.]
Alright.
[She doesn't offer him a hand up but she does go ahead.]
[Spam]
For the most part, he's silent. But:] Have you been all right? [He hasn't been concerned at all about her, but it seems - right, even necessary to ask now.]
[Spam]
[That's right. Wallow in your own insignificance. You never meant anything, after all.
She's glad Erik can't see the way her face becomes a mask of shock. She hasn't heard Gray's voice since he stood over her in the Hub and asked her how it felt to die. For a second, her knees buckle and her hand goes tight around the balustrade.]
I just haven't been sleeping, that's all.
[It's not much further to the door to their suite.]
[Spam]
He snorts at her explanation, though not disbelievingly.]
Who could blame you?
[He stretches his arm out from under the blanket, wrist flicking; ahead of them, their door opens. Unnerving as it is to have doors slam closed behind him, it's a comfort to do it on his own. Stepping in, he shudders and goes directly to the closet to fish for clothes.]
[Spam]
[She goes over to the dressing table at the other side of the room, hands hovering over its little electric kettle and teaset.]
Tea or coffee?
[Spam]
Erik disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes, and when he emerges, it's in dry clothes, long sleeves and a sweater to help against the cold. He's still shivering, though, arms crossed tight over his chest.]
[Spam]
It takes a little less time to do than it takes him to dry off and change and she spends that time staring at the cup, and it occurs to her that maybe she'd be better off drinking it herself. What's in there constitutes a (nonlethal, but likely hazardous) overdose and maybe it'd just be better all round if she spent the rest of this outing unconscious.
But why would that make it stop? Surely by locking herself into her own mind she'd only be making it worse. She makes herself a cup of tea she doesn't plan to drink, and when Erik reemerges she holds out the coffee to him.]
Here. It's the foulest instant I've ever tried, but it's warm and there's caffeine.
[Spam]
He cocks his head, eyebrows raising, and he nods.]
'Foulest' doesn't exactly cover it.
[He suppresses another shiver, and goes to sit on the edge of his bed, nursing the coffee.]
Do you still think it's worth it? Enduring these ports for the Admiral. [Another drink; his eyes are starting to feel heavy.]
[Spam]
I don't think I'm doing it 'for the Admiral'. It's just part and parcel of the life I've chosen, for now.
[Spam]
[Spam]
[And where the hell else would she go, anyway.]
[Spam]
Just don't see why, [he mumbled, and struggled with a yawn.]
You could have anything. And you're here.
[Spam]
[But then she just shakes her head and watches him. It won't be long now.]
[Spam]
[Spam]
I don't deserve it.
[It's a whisper, and he doesn't stir. She holds the barrel of the gun less than an inch from his heart and pulls the trigger twice, and nothing changes.]